The Oceans Within Us
Sometimes I wonder about the price we pay
For moving across an ocean
For being from both worlds and not fitting in either one
Simultaneously looking at pop songs and celebrating Onam
Manifested differences of existence that are a special hue
Not black or white but gray
But it’s hard to know what shade of gray to be
Often, it’s easily to float through life without thinking
About the differences and the cultures that mix in my mind
But it hits me hard when I visit and call relatives
And the words in my mind blur when I force them out of my mouth
No words for what I want to say
Instead resorting to “Enda visesham” and conversation about food
Instead speaking a creole of Malayalam where English fills in
When the words won’t come
Which is more often than I expect
Sounding like a stuttered broken melody where the tune is slightly off
Yet there’s a strange beauty in this speech
That’s not perfect but just good enough to say what needs to be said
Which I often remind myself that I’m enough of both sides
Even if I don’t speak Malayalam like a buzzing bee, a seamless melody
Yet the wires of family tend to fray with distance
To the point where found family feels more comfortable than blood
And I forget the shifting of time in India
Instead an image frozen in one place from the last visit
And the changes surprise me when they shouldn’t
Like goats I petted one visit
Yet two years later, surprise at the fact that they were sold
And the wear and tear of time continues to hit me
Like an echo of things and people that used to be, filling the air with memories
And are now mere ghosts from the past
Of cheap, blue bangles that stained my wrists with ink and no longer do
Time that now fills with shopping and visits to salons
But also visions of a simpler life- nowhere to run but there
But to a pool- no smooth-tiled, teal water
Instead dark turquoise from pure rain and sharp rocks stabbing one’s feet like splinters
And it’s somehow more real, less pretense of civility
But a return to nature that is not manipulated but respected
That continues to vanish with every journey on a plane
It’s the home I didn’t know I needed
Yet it’s there at any instant
At least in my head
And continues to be without even looking
I don’t often realize
That I have two homes
Even if I don’t exactly fit in either
They are there at my beck and call
To remind me to be proud of who I am and have every day